On the edge...

Yes, yes, yes...not well at the moment but far better than I was several days ago, thank the Void. I am still something of cocked musket, temperamentally speaking, but less inclined to fire today than I have been all week.

I have been asked elsewhere to clarify my use of the term "Thank the Void" and as the Pervy Council Chaplain, your spiritual guide, I will elaborate on this but I am also compelled to write on other personal matters and I thank you ahead of it all for your patience. It is lengthy, it lacks coherency but it is my truth, as I see it just now

I do not believe in any sort of supreme being created Life, the Universe & Everything, any more than I believe that any such an being directs our fates or rewards or punishes us at the end of our lives. I take a very dim view of organised religion, see it as a highly corrupt, corrosive influence in human history that's chief aims are not so much betterment of humanity but rather some of the best-orchestrated revenue gathering exercises.

In saying that, I should be very quick to point out that the fundamental precepts of most religions do seem to be inherently good ideas and that if you, as individuals choose to believe in something, you are blessed with the free will to do so.

To quote Voltaire: "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it", an ideal I hold in very high esteem. I may not share your beliefs but I respect your right to believe and ask that you do the same for me; should anyone challenge your right to believe as you do, persecute you for thinking as you as you will, I will be the first to your defence.

What I believe is thus: 

• You are created by virtue of some rather fascinating scientific processes during, what I hope, was a fabbo time had by your parents one night (or afternoon, if they were randy buggers).
  
• You live, equal to all others on this world, no matter where you are or your situation, or what anyone says or even what you think about yourself. Hopefully during that brief (galactically-speaking) time on Planet Earth, you will do well by your fellow beings, be productive and not leave a trail of destruction - emotional, physical, metaphorical - in your wake.
  
• And then, at the end of it all, you die. Your body disintegrates, whether it be through mere decomposition or fire, all your atoms return to the Earth. You are essentially recycled by the Universe, which is something of a comfort, I think. One returns to the Void, of nothing but molecules that will eventually become something new. At that thing you call a soul?...it dies with you. I like the idea of souls being reborn, I really do, but it always seems more like a fairy-tale than a fact.

Yes, I have simplified human existence and why not? We do tend to over-complicate things and I do not exempt myself from that charge. My tendency is to over-think things, those things that ought to be accepted and enjoyed while they last but, instead, I see the possible outcomes, the anticipated longevity and nine times out of ten, do not see a happy outcome.

Which is very likely why I retreat to a fantasy world in my mind or on paper - I am happier there, have always retreated there in the past and can be a far better person traversing make believe than I have ever been able to be in the real world. Trouble with always seeking the solace of these inner imagined worlds is the neglect of everything outside my head.


Recent diagnosis of being a looney (actually certified thus now, what a kudo for me) obviously helps me understand why I have been so inclined to retreat there but right at the moment, it is the only safe place I know where I cannot be trouble to anyone else or the cause of it for others. It is my hope that, in time, I can find somewhere in the real world where I can be content.

Even here, online, in this blog or Twitter or in an email to my lovelies, it is not the real world. It is a part of it, of course, an ether of human existence, where one might bare their faults, failings and miseries to strangers, even find sympathy and comfort from them but still it is all detached from realities of day-to-day life, the things that drives us to seek that solace of strangers.Yes, we will share out triumphs and the good times too but behind the 'closed door' of an email or a DM, the inclination (in my experience) is toward expressing the worst of our lives and the darker facets of our desires because apparently they cannot find an outlet elsewhere.

There is a part of my mind, a recent thought I presume has come about as the result of medication, that has been scratching rather frequently of late to get out and be heard, that somehow that cannot be right. That while it is good to have an outlet, of any variety, when one is struggling with the reality around us, it is merely a stop-gap measure that prevents us from going out and tackling the problems we have, our unhappiness with our lives or the situations we face.

Yes, of course, some times good sense and reason can be offered here on the electronic ether but that too could be argued as being somewhat skewed, particularly if the problem/s being discussed are of an emotional or romantic nature. Such matters have two (or more) sides that should be heard but, of course, here on the ether, we are most unlikely to get a balanced view of such things.

I like logic, reason and I adore equilibrium. I would like very much to operate full-time from such a scientific perspective but, unfortunately, I am human and have this particular brain in my head that while striving for understanding of things and balance in all facets of my life, is subject to matters outside of my control, like chemical imbalances and the life I am trying to live in the real world.

I know perfectly well that everyone else on Planet Earth is dealing with something in their lives - maybe it is a small vexation that will pass in due course. Maybe it is something that makes us grind our molars but we'll put up with it because...well we have for a long time and really, it's not that bad though it would be nice if it were not a problem. Or just maybe it is that time when you are about to crack - everything you know seems wrong, every day is a challenge you do not want to face and everyone you know seems to have absolutely no comprehension whatsoever just how close you are to collapsing in a heap and screaming for your mother.

If the two former...then yes, by all means, you can deal with it in your own way but don't leave it indefinitely to the chance that your troubles will go away of their own accord.

If the latter, as your Chaplain, I implore you to find the real world once more. I can listen to your troubles here, of course, point you in the right direction should you ask me to, but only you in your life can make the changes necessary to pull you back up and onto your feet again. Yes, you'll likely require help from strangers in the real world and you may not like some of the things they force you to say or do.

Tough titties.

Your life was never guaranteed to be an easy one and if you want to enjoy what precious time you do have left to you, my direction to you on this matter is thus...just get the fuck on with it and stop wasting said precious time. You have absolutely nooooo idea when your time to go to the Void will come.


*dispenses pink wafers and malt whisky to congregation*